You've worked to develop this story, so well done. I think you're closing in nicely on your characters now too (though maybe Jeff's eyes are just a touch too beautiful, in so much as he looks as if he might be wearing eye-liner...). Your storyboard communicates very well, but I do have a couple of tiny revisions to suggest: the first is that I think one heart would be enough when Jeff writes on the window; one heart is a sweeter, more pure and poetic gesture, don't you think? Secondly, your script suggests that October through to December, Jeff hasn't shown up to wash the windows, but this isn't exactly communicated. We see the calendar pages disappear, but what we don't see the cleaner missing his visits; right now, the calendar sequence just suggests that time is passing, not that Jeff isn't showing up during this time. I think you need to insert some shots in between the calendar pages wherein we see her disappointment and sadness developing. We need to understand that Jeff hasn't shown up again for three months, and that the cleaner is sad about it. Now - it seems to me, that while you have this lovely ending, you don't explain *why* Jeff didn't visit the beauty parlour for 3 long months... but I think I know a way you can do this easily. You've got the shot at the end where the camera pans up from Jeff's feet... if you were to show that one of his legs was in a plaster cast and he was on crutches, then of course we'd understand why he hadn't been doing his job for three months - and so would she.
So, in short then, I think you need to break her heart and our heart too, by showing us her excitement turn to disappointment as she feels rejected when Jeff doesn't show. I think you can do this by interspersing the calendar pages with short scenes of the cleaner. You also need to 'explain' his absence to her and us by showing us, not that he didn't want to visit, but that he couldn't, and a broken leg would do that job very nicely - and very visually.
Oh yeah, and your story title is too much of a giveaway; it tells us something about the ending of your film before we even get there: how about just 'The Window Cleaner'?
OGR 03/02/2016
ReplyDeleteHey Manisha,
You've worked to develop this story, so well done. I think you're closing in nicely on your characters now too (though maybe Jeff's eyes are just a touch too beautiful, in so much as he looks as if he might be wearing eye-liner...). Your storyboard communicates very well, but I do have a couple of tiny revisions to suggest: the first is that I think one heart would be enough when Jeff writes on the window; one heart is a sweeter, more pure and poetic gesture, don't you think? Secondly, your script suggests that October through to December, Jeff hasn't shown up to wash the windows, but this isn't exactly communicated. We see the calendar pages disappear, but what we don't see the cleaner missing his visits; right now, the calendar sequence just suggests that time is passing, not that Jeff isn't showing up during this time. I think you need to insert some shots in between the calendar pages wherein we see her disappointment and sadness developing. We need to understand that Jeff hasn't shown up again for three months, and that the cleaner is sad about it. Now - it seems to me, that while you have this lovely ending, you don't explain *why* Jeff didn't visit the beauty parlour for 3 long months... but I think I know a way you can do this easily. You've got the shot at the end where the camera pans up from Jeff's feet... if you were to show that one of his legs was in a plaster cast and he was on crutches, then of course we'd understand why he hadn't been doing his job for three months - and so would she.
So, in short then, I think you need to break her heart and our heart too, by showing us her excitement turn to disappointment as she feels rejected when Jeff doesn't show. I think you can do this by interspersing the calendar pages with short scenes of the cleaner. You also need to 'explain' his absence to her and us by showing us, not that he didn't want to visit, but that he couldn't, and a broken leg would do that job very nicely - and very visually.
Oh yeah, and your story title is too much of a giveaway; it tells us something about the ending of your film before we even get there: how about just 'The Window Cleaner'?
Hi Phil, thanks for the feedback :)
DeleteYes, I was struggling actually showing the time pass, and the crutches/injury is a great idea!
Looking forward to this :)